As a young adult, I had a huge problem with my parents. I thought they didn’t care about me. As I went through college, I observed that nobody ever asked me how much school cost, or what I needed. There seemed to be an expectation that I would make it, but nobody ever asked how. The real truth however, is that I did not ask for help.
As far back as maybe age 10, I haven’t really asked my parents for things they didn’t already know or expect. I was in Zimbabwe at the time, dealing with a culture that was new to all of us, and as the youngest child I felt no basis for non-routine requests. Whenever I did something new, like playing Baseball or Rugby, I was the first in my family to do it. I had a dilemma: As the youngest in a family where wisdom is considered to be a function of age, how was I to convince them that I needed specialized sports equipment? (Silence? That’s the same answer I came up with back then.)
I felt that everyone looked at me like a weirdo, and I thought they were justified. If you had four children and one of them departed from the norm set by the first three, wouldn’t that qualify as weird? If he asked for something that he thinks he needs, how will you judge whether he really needs it? Isn’t it likely that you’d be wondering why this child isn’t falling in line like the others? I carried these thoughts with me for years and it was only magnified as I moved to the U.S. and became the only child to go to high school here. How was I to convince my mother to buy prom tickets, when I couldn’t get her to buy me school clothes?
I made up my mind in high school that I would leave my parents’ home at 
eighteen and never go back. This sounds noble when you first hear it, but in retrospect it was foolish and naïve. I was operating on the uninformed assumption that independence was within reach, and it really wasn’t – not for most people my age. I succeeded in getting a scholarship to the University of Missouri-Kansas City that paid for virtually everything for the first two years, and most things during the last two. I thought I had made it, and even gave my mother some money out of my scholarships. Unfortunately I didn’t think about living expenses, and as of today, half of my collegiate debt resulted from such items.
I can blame my parents for not working harder to understand my “weird” needs – and expecting that they would be very different from those of my older siblings like I really want to. I certainly believe that all parents or soon-to-be parents reading this should make note of this situation, and ensure that their children always feel comfortable asking for help. However, it’s not my style to wait for things to be given to me, so I’ll blame myself: I should have found a way to ask for help. I could have even asked for the help of my teachers in talking to my parents; if my parents understood that my requests were normal for my environment and age group, they probably would have budged somewhere. Perhaps I should have asked the teacher to convince my brother who had a stronger voice in the family than I, and then he would in turn speak for me?
Not a picture of me – I’m not balding just yet.
I should not have been so anxious to become independent either, because in these rough times there are not enough scholarships (or part-time-jobs in Austin, TX) for cars, car accidents with uninsured drivers, clothes, gas, auto-insurance, rent, or even pocket money. I should have also asked my parents for an allowance during college, and as implied in my article about economic outpatient care, graduation does not mean it absolutely has to end. If I could turn back the hands of time, I would get used to telling my parents my dreams, and giving them the chance to contribute whatever little they could afford. For young adults busy in college these days, borrowing is often the only alternative to begging, and since the lending ‘wolves’ have a healthy appetite, we should refuse to play ‘sheep’ as much as possible.
When you think about your college career and your borrowing history, do you think you could have asked someone for money instead? Who was it, and what was your reason for not asking? Do you think it’s too late now?
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I agree Albert. It only makes sense. I also got scholarships to pay for most of my first degree. As I was going back for my second, my scholarship got reneged because I pushed back my start date. At first I was working 40 hours and going to school because I didn’t want to ask my parents for help. When I told my mom how stressed I was, she asked why, I told her that it was because of all the work that I had to do while going to school. She told me to cut my hours to zero and in a couple of days, she deposited enough money to cover all my expenses. Parents aren’t mind readers. “Ask and you shall receive. ” As usual, great article, Cerebral
Thank you Jaja. This lesson is hard even for me to admit…
I think you’re right in saying your parents should have made it easier to come ask for help. I don’t fully agree w/ you saying you’re partially responsible for not wanting to ask for help. I mean, you shouldn’t be proud & ask but also, a climate needs to be created to let you know it is your right to ask for help. I don’t know… that’s just how I feel.
I came here feeling bad about school fees, I would hesitate to ask my dad for help & even considered taking loans on my own. My mom set me straight & told me it is their job as parents to provide for us. THEY chose where I would go to college so they knew it would cost & should be prepared for the cost. She told me their goal is to make sure our education is taken care of. It was always made clear to all 3 of us the only thing we needed to worry about was do well in school & get good jobs.
This article definitely provides some useful insight into a portion of a bigger problem regarding pursuing and attaining a College Education in this country. While I do believe that we are much better off than residents of other countries, I’m sure many people question the integrity and efficiency of the entire Academic system but I’ll leave that conversation for another day.
I honestly could not relate to this article. I am the first of 4 siblings and was born here in the states. I was taken back to my home country in West Africa and was raised there for several years. I then came back alone to the US as a 17 year old and since that day I’ve been fending for myself. While working sometimes 2 or 3 jobs and sending money to support my parents and family back home, the last thing on my mind was to ask my parents for help. Sure we had a great relationship and environment that fostered and encouraged open communication but the truth was that they just couldn’t afford it – period!
Initially I qualified for grants that covered all my expenses at a Community college but in my junior and senior years at a University, It barely covered half of my total costs. As a result, I only took classes when I could afford to pay the difference out of pocket. It took 2 years longer for me to earn my degree but this way I incurred very minimal student loan debt. And looking back now, I have no regrets.
Thanks for your comment! Your perspective is great, and illustrates what the other options are. It also provides an opportunity for us all to think about risks. (I cover some of this in a previous article about “How to borrow for college and graduate school”)
For example, I attended one of the best schools for my field. To gain admission, I had to play the “game”. This meant not working much (or off campus) because all my recommendations from professors and administration would come from interacting with them, and me being seen. I certainly don’t know your story, but the people I know whose academic career is most similar to yours have a much harder time kicking off their careers than I do (or changing jobs).
They complain about how hard it is to get a job; I complain about how costly it is to gain the appearance of “best candidate”. I could definitely be wrong in this….it’s a possibility I recognize, and your story makes this even more clear. Time will tell if people like me did the right thing.
For you (or other readers) with little to no debt, I ask: Were you able to sell yourself as a “star” candidate inspite of a small number of on-campus activities?
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